Fluctuations in weight, and body image complexities...

The human body is weird.
Some people might say it's "wonderful" and they wouldn't be wrong, but neither am I when I say: It's weird and doesn't make sense all the time.
  • I weigh myself at the same time of the morning, every day. (I didn't always weigh myself every day, but on the current nutritionist program I am on, I have to - I'll explain below.)
  • A week ago, I weighed 175lbs.
  • 3 days ago, I weighed 182lbs. (Thanks 20yr High School Reunion Trash Food!)
  • Yesterday, I weighed 178lbs.
  • This morning, I woke up and weighed myself: 175.2lbs
  • Then I ran 4.7miles on my treadmill, HIIT format, non-climate controlled in 90% humidity.... then I drank 20oz of water because I was a sweaty mess and needed to hydrate - and for the heck of it, I stepped on the scale again: 173lbs.
The body is weird.... So much fluctuation based on water weight/hydration/food stores/glycogen!
I've been hovering between 170lbs - 175lbs since around March of this year. (4 months or so) I've been less strict about my weightloss-diet of 1,300 calories/day @ 50% protein / 30% carbs / 20% fats in the past few months, but I also have been running/training a LOT and my body has been 'requesting' more fuel and recovery nutrition.
I'm afraid of eating more.
I'm afraid of changing my macro ratios, and eating more complex carbs (we're not even talking about simple carbs here....) 

My psyche is this voice in the back of my head saying "You're going to get fat again if you eat that." And that is a really scary place to be, because it's operating in a space outside of logic/facts but feels SO intensely real.

So, I started working with a metabolic nutritionist about a week ago. I decided, that since they are working with a system that's based on, um... SCIENCE, and are specialists at what they do, I am going to try to silence the voices of fear in my head and just try to follow this program and see how it goes.
Am I trying to lose more weight? - Not really... But;
I'm running a lot, and I'd LOVE to be running at a weight of 160lbs, and if I can get there in a healthy way, I'll do it. And if not, than I will just be learning how to feed my body appropriately to my level of activity. It's not healthy for me to eat 1,300 calories/day, and strength train 5x/week AND run 5x week. But my body's metabolism is conditioned for 1,300 calories/day, and I need the help of someone who understands the science better than I do, to give my body the ability to have some contrast to force my metabolism to adjust.
Am I still self-conscious and struggling with body-image issues? - OMG Yes.
Case in point: When I ran this morning, it was on my treadmill. On my back porch. It was HUMID and frankly, I have chaffed nipples from yesterday's run where I was on my neighborhood "loop" and was wearing a shirt, and the sweat yesterday was real.... I should have thought to "Glide™" before yesterday's run, and didn't... oh well... Back to today: because I was running on the treadmill, in the privacy of my porch: I ran shirtless. Something I would NEVER do otherwise/elsewhere because of my self-image sensitivity, and my extra skin from weightloss/etc. 

I'm working on it.... slowly, but surely. UGH.


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