A fat guy, suddenly living in a less fat guy's body...

"Gainz" (noun)
1- A derivative of the word "gains", referring to additional muscle mass acquired through lifting weights.
(ex) "BRO! Check out these sick gainz!"

I know what you're thinking: "Oh my god, another Bloggergram-Bro who's here to show-off his sweet, sweet glutes and flex his bulging ego." - I promise that's not what this is about.

5 months ago, I was 270 pounds. It's the fattest, and most out-of-shape I've ever been, however, I have been a 'fat guy' for most of my life, so I was used to it. I've fluctuated over the years, lost weight on purpose at times, by accident through emotional stress, gained weight because I was happy and social, etc. I wouldn't have said that I had body-image issues, but that I was comfortable and secure in my identity as a 'fat guy.' 

There are however some ups and downs that come along with being 'the fattest person in the room'....

• You feel like you have to be a little smarter, a little funnier, and little more entertaining than the "beautiful people" to compensate and end up with equal social standing;
• You feel like you have to work a little harder to get by on your own merit, because you're not going to get promoted up the corporate ladder by people who treat you differently because you're "slender, fit and attractive";
• When you're in a space with other people, and someone farts - you know everyone assumes it was you.

Over the course of the last 5 months however, I have lost around 85 pounds, and it's still going. And for the first time in my life, I've done it in a healthy way. People who haven't seen me in a while, are surprised when they see my new 'physique' and always ask things like: "How did you do it? Diet and Exercise?"

Um, of course that's how I did it.... Sort of.

'Diet' implies a temporary situation. 'Exercise' implies a specific activity for a purpose. Both of those words infer some sort of temporary regimen to "get back on the right track" so that I can continue my journey through life as previously intended. And that is NOT what I did. What I actually did, was make a complete lifestyle change, almost overnight, and disciplined myself to stick with it long enough for it to become the 'new normal.'

Did I do it by myself? Am I sitting here, furiously typing away, touting my accomplishments that I TOTALLY ACHIEVED 100% ON MY OWN with no help from anyone else? Nope. My girlfriend has supported and helped every step of the way.... Helped with meal planning, motivation to get to the gym, to stay focused, to listen to me when I'm melting down because I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore... listen to me when I realized that I am LESS CONFIDENT as a 'skinny guy' than I was as a 'fat guy' because I don't recognize this new body as my own, and it feels like spending the night in a strange rental apartment, that even though it's nicer than your own house, you don't feel "home" inside of it. I've had a personal trainer who's used some kind of Narnia Magic™ to know when to tell me to pull on my big-boy-underpants and fight hard, and when to let me figure out my limits on my own and push myself. I've had a therapist who's listened to me be confused about losing my identify as a 'fat guy' but somehow, still feel like when someone farts in a crowd, everyone in the room assumes it was me.

So, as I start transitioning my new life & health journey from purely losing weight, to building strength and endurance.... while I train for running obstacle races, and doing 100 pull-ups, and learning how to transition my food-life from a massive calorie deficit, to 'maintenance mode' - I plan to use this space to talk about recipes, and food, and workout routines... and how it FEELS to learn to love a new body, while oddly missing the old one, even though everyone tells me that the new one is definitely "better...." sometimes - the devil you know, feels more like home, than the angel you don't.